I have my friends again.

I have my friends again. My heartsong, young forever friends of youth.

One is missing however. It's been almost a year since she passed away, the burdens of life finally wearing on her frailty. But she was loved and knew she was loved. My regret is the losing touch with her. She and I weren't as close as others of our group, but she still wove part of the song that makes up my life. The question I wonder is how did I touch her life? Did she bead because of me? What selfish thoughts I have when I should be thinking about her. But I digress. Through her and the loss of her, we have found each other again. Found each other and putting the pieces we have of each other back in their rightful places.

When she left us, I emailed everyone saying that I never knew we were dandelions, scattered in the wind. I think I was wrong about that though. We aren't scattered by the wind at all. We were just sitting alone in the dark. Afraid of telling our fiends of the things we'd done, how we'd changed, seen bits of the world, gained insights and weight. We were afraid that the people we had become wouldn't be good enough or loved like we were when we were young.

We were wrong. I didn't know how much I had missed each of them until we started the "conversation" again. It's like I can touch them even though we are scattered across North America.

So last night, finally almost feeling like my old self, I donned my cape and went out into the wild fall night.

The moon came out from behind the rain clouds. It was strange because part of the sky was clear while the rest was cloudy and filled with lightning. But I am whole again and the night is wild.

Long weeks

This week was long. VERY long. As you all know I don' t overwhelm easily. Not to say that I never do, but I can take on a lot of projects or have a huge to do list before I freak out. I'm always the one saying "bring it on, what else ya got?!"

Not this week. I have NEVER felt so overwhelmed. Not even when Arina was born and I was still on crutches. Logan was just barely one and Decker was three. Tired, yes. Overwhelmed, no.

But this week, I was. I flipped out on Monday. Flunked my test, told my homework and housework to screw off. Anything that could go wrong, did.

That was Monday. Tuesday was a bit better. I took the day to relax a little. Let the birthday roll in. Birthdays are like New Year's day. Time to reassess, and start again. It was mellow. Lesley called. I got awesome presents. Ate spring rolls and went to bed with a messy house.

Wednesday I woke up feeling less like I was trapped in that room where the walls that have spikes are closing in on you and more like, well, me. And now it's better. I'm getting things cleared out of the way and things done. Even though I'm busy I don't feel like slamming my head into a wall anymore.

Now, what is so funny, in that the universe is fucking with me way, is my horoscope for the week starting on Monday. Read and laugh. I did.

Week of October 3, 2005: Big things are happening for you this week, or at least seeds are being planted which may sprout in a few weeks or months time. There is a Solar Eclipse in your sign on Monday which may bring about events that result in chaos at first. But don't let appearances disturb you, as they will soon change and become your chance for a fresh new start. This Eclipse has a powerful and exciting effect on your life and may bring things to pass that you had not expected at such an early date. Eclipses certainly have a quickening effect on us. Mercury sextiles Pluto on the same day, meaning that the opportunity to discuss things or to reflect deeply on what is happening will be of great benefit to you. When Mercury conjuncts Jupiter on Wednesday you will find it much easier to get a positive viewpoint of whatever is taking place. It is positive as it is taking you into new territory! When Venus moves into Sagittarius on Wednesday, you will feel more inclined to think bigger thoughts and to allow your mind to venture into new ground. Mercury will move into Scorpio on Saturday which is going to help you be more discerning with your finances.

Ellie's blog has me thinking and remembering how it felt to be little during the end of the cold war. I realize our parents have stronger memories since it filled their whole childhoods. But I remember.

There are distant memories of being eight and watching duck and cover videos, the huge (looking back it still seems huge) fallout shelter sign at the public library, the movies of bombs going off and obliterating everything. It's a wonder we are all close to sane. Not that I'm belittling our children's current fears, it's just not the same.

I remember feeling scared and chernobyl sending me into years of panic that I probably should have gotten therapy for. I realize 12 is late to realize you are mortal, but hey, sometimes I'm immature.

I also remember feeling like I wasn't prepared. Almost panic because I didn't know how to raise a garden, can food, weave cloth or butcher anything. I felt like I was waiting. Waiting to be a soldier in some unknown, future war where good would triumph over adversity. And I wasn't alone, friends in college felt this way too, like warrior women unfulfilled.

It ended in 89. We did predictions for yearbook my freshman year. Months before it happened, I wrote it down as my prediction. It did. It also made the yearbook.

How was I that aware at 14?

Cosmos tapping.

That's the only thing that makes sense since I barely watched the news.